Personal,  Updates

When will I be ready?

When I came into recovery, I knew I needed to take some hurdles that I needed to wait for before I was ready. Slowly over the course of 2 years I started adapting to more challenges over the months, some small some big. This has been an ongoing process and I was in charge of most of it. Yet sometimes it would be nice if someone just chose the path for me, cause how do I know when I will be ready?

It seems like a very easy step, you just get yourself ready for the next step. You build up the courage and just go for it. If you are scared, do it anyway. Yet how will I know if it’s the right thing to do, how do I know when I am ready? It’s been a debating topic in my head for the last 2 months. As I had a big decision to make. I was always one foot in and one foot out. I couldn’t just make a decision.

As I am very black-and-white in my thinking, this process was new to me. I took all reasons into consideration, why yes, why no. I didn’t make the decision straight away, but I knew I also couldn’t take forever. There was kind of a deadline for my decision because if the outcome was yes, I needed to buy a flight ticket. This pressured my brain and emotional state ginormously. I was so torn about going to the Netherlands or not, that often when I thought about it, I would panic about it. Because I didn’t know if I was ready.

I am so grateful to have a support circle around me that looks at my needs and helped me figure this out. They did not make the decision but we spoke everything through and looked at all aspects of my pros and cons list. It was such an interesting process, as I doubted the good and the bad. I just didn’t know what to think about it. I just had to keep my pros and cons list close and read it everyday. Till the point I came to this week. The point where it all clicked.

I went over all my scenarios, wrote my reasoning, and added there where I could. My last reason to not go actually clicked something in me. I spoke about it with my therapist and all of a sudden I knew my decision. I was not going to the Netherlands. At the same time, it broke my heart, as it felt like I was disappointing the most important person in my life. I didn’t know how to break the news, but I knew I had to. I knew I was not ready to take this step yet.

I think it was a very important step in my recovery. As I made big decisions before, but this one was involving more people than just me. It affected people around me, and I was not sure if people could handle my decision well. I felt like I was failing because after almost 2 years I just wasn’t ready to face such a big trauma for me. Was therapy even working? Or was it a waste of my time? I asked myself the whole week if I did the right thing. I started playing scenarios in my head if I did go and if I didn’t go. And going gave me so much stress that I started to believe that I was actually not ready. And that was okay.

It is definitely still something I need to come to terms with, as I go in and out of the feeling like a failure. But everyone in my recovery circle responded caring and with compassion. It is OKAY! Now the only thing I need to do is convince my thinking that it is okay. But as time heals wounds, this will heal in my head as well, just one step at a time.

xx Me

One Comment

  • J H

    You’re an amazing person and congrats for thinking it through and coming to a decision for yourself. Trust the process (whatever that it 😉 ) things will work out as they need to ❤️

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