Intentions,  Personal

So much to keep going

I was sitting in the Uber back home after an EDA meeting this evening. And I realized that a year ago nothing seemed enough to keep going. I lost all the life I had in me. there was this one percent that kept me going. As my former therapist always said; ‘Keep holding on to that one percent’. And that’s what I did.

I love how the city lights twinkle at the end of the day, it feels so warm, calm, and gentle at the same time. I like all the trees, they show me that life is possible no matter how many storms you have to conquer. I love the connections I make on a daily basis, friends who feel like family are so important for my healing at the moment. I’m grateful for the sun, cause that means I can rise every time I fall. I love the fact that I can enjoy food, nourishing my body is actually quite fun these days. I love that I’m able to express my emotions on a level that I never knew before. I love that I have a future that i look forward to again.

These are things at the moment that I’m so thankful for that I can experience them. This year has been the hardest yet the most beautiful year of my life. And I am so thankful to everyone who played a role in that. I could not have done this on my own. I don’t have a village next to and around me, I have a world. Which is something incredible to say. A year ago I was at the edge of life and death. I didn’t see a future, I gave up except for that one percent that kept me somehow going. It’s thanks to my old therapist that I kept going, I would’ve thrown in the towel if it wasn’t for her. She made me go back to Capetown and held my hand along the process. She made sure I kept going for that one percent. Apparently, there was a future for me in the books that I couldn’t see.

And I’m extremely grateful for that knowledge, cause I would not be alive now if it wasn’t for that one percent. I’m so happy I am on the better side now. Although the days still can be very dark, I’m not going to lie about this. It’s a daily battle that I have to fight but with a reason now. I think I’m not 1 percent but around 55 now. This doesn’t sound much, but I regained 54 percent this year, which is remarkable. I thought all my dreams were over last year, which fed my eating disorder and depression completely. But I know now that the dreams are not over, they just got replaced with new people in it. And writing this down gives me the shivers. I can still develop myself into the human I really want to be. There is hope for me again which I thought was completely gone. I have a purpose and it’s making me super excited.

I guess that’s where I will end this long ramble, gosh sometimes life is so worth it. I am typing this on my balcony, looking at a full moon and the twinkling lights of the city, in shorts, cause it’s still warm at 20.45. I have a new tattoo and I’m about to eat my dinner which I’m really excited for.

It’s a good time to be in recovery,

xoxox Me

One Comment

  • Annet Niehof

    Wat ontzettend mooi lieve Froukje! So grateful for you that you saw and felt also motivated somehow to stick to that 1%🙏
    Hold on en houd koers, hoe vaak heb je dit wel niet gehoord. Maar uiteindelijk deed jij het! Ben daarom mega trots op jou en dat mag je ook zelf zijn!
    En zie nu, hoe die 1% is gegroeid, op meerdere vlakken, je geluk, je bewustzijn op dingen, je (zelf)vertrouwen en je hopes and dreams. Love & light I wish you, Annet

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