So much to keep going

I was sitting in the Uber back home after an EDA meeting this evening. And I realized that a year ago nothing seemed enough to keep going. I lost all the life I had in me. there was this one percent that kept me going. As my former therapist always said; ‘Keep holding on to that one percent’. And that’s what I did.

I love how the city lights twinkle at the end of the day, it feels so warm, calm, and gentle at the same time. I like all the trees, they show me that life is possible no matter how many storms you have to conquer. I love the connections I make on a daily basis, friends who feel like family are so important for my healing at the moment. I’m grateful for the sun, cause that means I can rise every time I fall. I love the fact that I can enjoy food, nourishing my body is actually quite fun these days. I love that I’m able to express my emotions on a level that I never knew before. I love that I have a future that i look forward to again.

These are things at the moment that I’m so thankful for that I can experience them. This year has been the hardest yet the most beautiful year of my life. And I am so thankful to everyone who played a role in that. I could not have done this on my own. I don’t have a village next to and around me, I have a world. Which is something incredible to say. A year ago I was at the edge of life and death. I didn’t see a future, I gave up except for that one percent that kept me somehow going. It’s thanks to my old therapist that I kept going, I would’ve thrown in the towel if it wasn’t for her. She made me go back to Capetown and held my hand along the process. She made sure I kept going for that one percent. Apparently, there was a future for me in the books that I couldn’t see.

And I’m extremely grateful for that knowledge, cause I would not be alive now if it wasn’t for that one percent. I’m so happy I am on the better side now. Although the days still can be very dark, I’m not going to lie about this. It’s a daily battle that I have to fight but with a reason now. I think I’m not 1 percent but around 55 now. This doesn’t sound much, but I regained 54 percent this year, which is remarkable. I thought all my dreams were over last year, which fed my eating disorder and depression completely. But I know now that the dreams are not over, they just got replaced with new people in it. And writing this down gives me the shivers. I can still develop myself into the human I really want to be. There is hope for me again which I thought was completely gone. I have a purpose and it’s making me super excited.

I guess that’s where I will end this long ramble, gosh sometimes life is so worth it. I am typing this on my balcony, looking at a full moon and the twinkling lights of the city, in shorts, cause it’s still warm at 20.45. I have a new tattoo and I’m about to eat my dinner which I’m really excited for.

It’s a good time to be in recovery,

xoxox Me