Intentions,  Personal

Running before I can walk.

This week marked 18 months in recovery, something I never thought was possible. Yet I did that, I made it happen. But something that is letting me stumble every now and then is that I want to run to the next phase. I am trying to run before I can walk which is never good, I just never done it the other way.

I am very much addicted on the end result, everything needs an end stations. So instead of me enjoying the journey, I am focused on 10 steps forward, wanting to get to step 25 whilst I’m still at step 15 for example. Sudden changes do me better than changes that I need to have patience with. I do not want to wait, my brain needs immediate action. Something I can do for a while, but is not going to benefit me in the long run.

It’s like when I changed medication. I wanted immediate results, they had to work after being on them for 2 days. Whilst this medication that we changed is only known to have results after 2-ish months. I was mega impatient with it. Didn’t think it was working, just because I didnt’ see immediate results. I started to have resentments for the medication, I didn’t want to take it anymore because it was not working, or I thought so. Now more than two months further down the line, I am happy with my medication. We found a really good balance for me, and it’s working! I couldn’t run this part of my life, I needed to walk slowly and trust my team that it was going to be alright!

And I guess that is my moral of the story. It all comes down to trusting my team, and most off all for me to trust the process. In the fellowships they say, progress not perfection. A quote that I have on my phone and on my wall to remind me. Yet at the same time I don’t stand still and appreciate the progress. I am in my head thinking about my 2 years clean, my next month with Joey, me maybe moving out, christmas the list is endless, yet I can’t seem to stand still for one day.

Like today, the weather is nice, my agenda is not that full, I had some lovely chai this morning, and I am feeling pretty well. Only now with writing this blog I stand still for a second. Yet this morning my brain went 1000 mph and I was focussing way to far in the future. So I guess that with writing this blog I gave myself a little bit awareness, a little bit of a calm walk instead of running. A gentle nudge in the way to progress not perfection.

Until we meet again,

xx Me

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