Intentions,  Personal

Recovery is a daily choice..

It’s hard to sit down and write at the moment. Cause the one moment I’m the happiest girl in the world, other moment’s I don’t see the point anymore. I’m almost 16 months without behaviors yet I feel I should be so much more stable, I should have my life in order, maybe even I should be healed.

I came to Cape Town to heal from my eating disorder, a life long disease and almost no one knew. I was great at hiding my pain and suffering. And although a lot of people think that people with a eating disorder are choosing to be sick. I can assure you, there is no fun in being this ill. And even though it’s almost 16 months, the battle in my head is still there. That internal fight is something that is making me exhausted. It feels like a alter ego, that is telling me what i should and shouldn’t do. It is not by choice that I have a eating disorder.

I know my eating disorder started early, and has held me in the grip of the disease for over 25 years. I do not know who I would be without my illness. But I know it’s different from all the years before. And although that is something to look forward to, I am scared as hell. And to be honest, currently, this illness is louder than the last year. I have to battle every day, every meal. I have tools that help me, but it’s exhausting. It makes me wonder…. Will there be a day when I go through something traumatic and my eating disorder will not taking over? It’s a question I do not have the answer to, I wish I had though.

It’s insane that there are people in this world that think you can be healed after a few weeks or months of treatment. I seriously don’t get behind this thinking pattern. It’s a battle that will take a very long time before it will stabilise, and when you are stable, something small can set you off. It’s always a gamble how you respond to certain things. But you learn to catch it quicker, you know what to do when all the sudden you have choice stress, or when you don’t know what to do for your next meal. You are reprogramming your head, to do it a bit different everytime. And over time you can manage something you where scared off in the beginning. It’s all about that one step at a time. Slowly you’ll get there.

And although I know that it’s one step at a time, it’s taking so long! Everytime I think I’m stabilising, something hits me again and I get tested again. Currently I’m doing trauma therapy for my CPTSD, and damnit, it’s hitting me hard. I’m getting tested big time, I need to make life changing decisions, I am throwing my whole world upside down, just because I want to heal from all my suffering. But sometimes, you just want to give up and let it be. I know I don’t have the choice to let it be, cause that means I’m not choosing recovery. And I do not want to think of the outcome of the other side. Because it’s not going to be glorious.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I guess I just wanted to get of my chest.
On to the next one, one step at a time.


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