When I hit my year milestone, I thought that most struggles would be gone. When I survived the holidays, I thought the struggles would be less. Every first felt like the struggles would get less, yet here I am sitting with the same struggles.
My expectations about my journey always have been too high, and last month showed that completely. I thought a mental rock bottom was not possible in recovery. Yet my eating disorder and addiction brought me to my knees again. I felt broken like everything went wrong. And all my brain could think of was how to manage these emotions. How to regain control back and to be able to deal with everything. I wanted to run, physically but mostly mentally. Get away from everything as far as I could. Yet deep down I knew that wasn’t an option. Running away from my struggles would not help. Cause even if you go far away, you take yourself with you. And that was the whole problem in the situation. Me.
I put so much pressure on myself that my body and mind are exhausted. I can sleep nowadays for 8 to 10 hours a night, without medication. Which is a win, if you don’t wake up so tired that for your own good, you could go back to sleep straight away. Recovery is a battle, and a lot of the time I don’t see how this is going to benefit me. But relapse is not an option, so I have to keep going somehow. It’s by my chosen family, my team, and even my partner that I find just enough strength to keep going. But it’s all because of them. They don’t give up on me, so why should I? It, would not be fair to them if I gave up. I would lose all of them, even though they say they won’t.
And although they are saying that, I know how damaging relapse can be. I’ve been there, and it’s not pretty. It’s one of the many reasons I don’t have a support network in the Netherlands. I have some friends, but they are spread out through the Netherlands and countable on one hand. And that’s it. Everything else I lost or had to take distance from. And that lonely life is not worth it at all. It’s a sad life that I do not want to live, yet sometimes that’s all I’m longing for. And that is a scary place to be in. A headspace that I’m not entirely knowing what to do with it. With this uncertainty and no answers, all I can do is follow what my team says, even if I don’t agree.. Small steps in the right direction every day is all I can do.