Intentions,  Personal,  Thoughts & Tips

Navigate left? Or right?

Sometimes all you need is a different perspective to your daily life things. I am so happy that i have a therapeutic team that can show me how insane my thought patterns sometimes are on a daily basis.
And as soon I say them out loud to my therapist, it dawns to me how insane it actually is. But I keep believing my thoughts, they make sense in a way.

One of the thoughts happend when I forgot my evening meds this week. Meds that make me sleepy, but they are also my mood medication. Something I’ve been on for more than 3 years now. In my smart brain when I woke up I was like, let’s take them now. It’s a mood stabiliser that is fine, I’ll just compensate with coffee. That last thought was actually really harmful, both therapists where like; “What where you thinking?”. And to be honest, I didn’t think twice. Mind you I didn’t take 2 cups of coffee before 13.00, no by accident (I was really unaware of the amount of shots in a grande) I had 5 shots of espresso that day.
A way higher dose than my 1 espresso everyday.

This example is already the perfect example of me not thinking twice and just blindly following what my head is telling me. So when I sat down for my session yesterday, my therapist needed to reaffirm that I cannot trust my thoughts. Something I’ve been challenging myself on for over 16 months now. Yet now all the sudden I feel the urge to listen to my head again. And I know the damage I can do when I do not think twice.

For over 29 years my brain was conditioned in a way that was extremely unhealthy for myself. Yet in my little messed up brain I think I can change my thinking patterns in 16 months. How insane if I think about it and reality check. It took me years to develop a certain brain path way. It’s like walking the same route trough a grass patch. Everyday, multiple times a day I walk that path. It eventually creates a different form of grass as it’s been crushed everyday. That’s how my brain (and everyone to be honest) works. I created a faulty brain path by walking the same path for years. Now I want to walk a different route, and it takes a long time create that different form of grass on my new path.

What I’m probably want to share with this is, that currently I do not know which path I need to walk. I need to stand still, reality check and figure out which path is the correct one. It’s not a easy peasy decision to make. Because all my brain wants to do is follow my old path. That faulty path I have created over the years. The path I thought I could change after only a year and a few months. As I am typing this now I am actually laughing about it. Cause it sounds quite insane actually.

But it is reality, I have difficulties with figuring out which path I need to go on. It’s a daily battle at the moment. A battle that is costing myself a lot of energy. But it’s a fight I know I can fight. I’ve been here, I survived this before and I am not ready to throw away the one thing I fighted for. A life.

Let’s keep fighting together <3

xx Me

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