Change is the only constant

It’s been a hot minute that I wrote something for my blog, the reason for this is that I went to so much brain spaces and stuff. Life was a constant changing object and I needed to adapt so often that at points I did not know what was happening in that moment.

Where do I even start? I am currently sitting in my own chair, in my own apartment. It’s rainy and windy outside, I just showered after cleaning my place. It doesn’t feel like home yet and although every piece has a spot, I feel like I am in a Airbnb or something. It all happend so quick, in mid june I viewed the place, and now I am living there. 1 big, 1 small suitcase and a backpack, that’s all I had with me in 2022 when I arrived in Cape Town. Now I own my own microwave and milkfrother again. Talking about change, this is a very big change that I highly underestimated. I am now 1 year and 8 months “clean” of over-exercising, purging, drugs and alcohol. And in that time, I had never thought I would live on myself again. When I got accepted for this place, it did not land. I cried a lot, I was so scared. It’s the first time I live on my own being in actual recovery and not active illness. It is a first, it is scary, it is new, it is something I never thought I would make it to.

Is recovery going perfect? Definitely not! I need to remind myself that recovery is about balance, and that the restricting every now and then kicks in. Because next to my C-PTSD, my anorexia is my biggest challenge. My depression and anxiety is managed by medication and that is actually going really well. I have a daily fight still with that eating disorder voice. Sometimes it’s very loud, sometimes it whispers, but it’s there which is sometimes very discouraging. It’s all about balance again, because even though there are dips, there are also highs! Like my engagement, My partner, my friends, my apartment, a promotion and all the little wins I had. Although going through trauma therapy is so intensely hard. I can recognise a bit better than in 2022 that something good happened. I even had a moment in the last months where I was really proud of myself, which did not happen yet in my whole recovery story.

Yet I had a big realisation this morning, because it takes a village to recover. And since I got the keys of my new place I wanted to do everything by myself again. I stopped talking about my wellbeing with the people around me. I did not go completely quiet, cause I did speak very honest with my dietician, therapist and sponsor. But I was alright to the rest of the people around me, and something that I am scared to acknowledge is that I am struggling big time. I do not struggle with the stuff I am clean of (as mentioned above), I struggle with grief, with trauma, with body image, with selflove, with love from other people. I even struggle with doing okay. It is very scary to struggle with positives and negatives. Because all you want is some inner peace and gentleness. And the positives and negatives those happened a lot the last months. According to my brain, I can’t have positives, and negatives. The thing that is the best for me, is being numb in the middle. Not positive or negative, just numb.

I managed all the changes, and I am starting to realize that change is the only constant in life. That doesn’t make it easier, but acknowledging it helps me reality check and ground.

I think that’s it for now, see you next time!

xx Me