Intentions,  Personal

Big changes, big struggles

Hi all, it’s weird sitting at my own desk in my own room writing this blog, I never thought I would be ever ready to get where I am today. But I made it a long way and I will take you with me for the last 2 months.

I made some drastic measures in the last months, choices that will determine my being a lot. I’m not in a treatment facility anymore, which to be honest is a big struggle. I would lie if I said that it was an easy road. It’s not. I went to live on my own again, have a job and a car. And despite all of those good things, I struggle more than in the last 8,5 months. Every day it is a battle that I choose to fight. And I think that’s one of the biggest wins. I choose to fight the battles. previously I didn’t have any energy to fight any battle. I had given up on life, I didn’t want to live anymore. Yet here I am, fighting and trying to have a good life.

I’m not always happy, but try to make the happy days count. I’m not always smiling, but my smile is real when I do. I don’t always want to eat, but eat because I know I have to. I don’t always want to take my medication, but I know not taking them will bring me down to a level that I don’t want to be in. I do what I need to do, but that doesn’t mean I always want to do it. There is a demon in my head that tells me what I should be doing, a demon that wants to see me crumble down. Although it is a tough battle, I know that giving in to that demon is going to kill me.

Right now I’m in a phase where I need to stabilize and to be honest, I don’t like this phase at all. It’s the most difficult phase to be in, and the battles are the hardest. But I’m just not willing to throw away 8,5 months of hard work. I think what helps me the most is reality-checking. Cause what would happen if I play the plans in my head forward, what is the end result gonna be? 99 out of 100 it’s never a good outcome. So I can decide that I need to do what I don’t want at all. Which is not fun, but in the end it can give me more fun, enjoyment, and happiness.

See you in 2 months!

xx Me

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