When I hit my year milestone, I thought that most struggles would be gone. When I survived the holidays, I thought the struggles would be less. Every first felt like the struggles would get less, yet here I am sitting with the same struggles.
I was sitting in the Uber back home after an EDA meeting this evening. And I realized that a year ago nothing seemed enough to keep going. I lost all the life I had in me. there was this one percent that kept me going. As my former therapist always said; 'Keep holding on to that one percent'. And that's what I did.
The last period since my last blog, was all based on creating stability. Something in the beginning that would be an easy fix. Well, I can tell you now it wasn't. I had to make certain steps that I didn't want to do and quickly realized that stability was not exactly going to happen.
This was the first time in a looooong time that I struggled this big. As I'm crying over a meal. A meal I didn't want to eat at all. I knew I did it in the wrong order. I showered too late. And yet I felt pretty good after it. but all the sudden I saw my reflection. and that was not what my eating-disordered mind wanted to see.